Listen Longer

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I’ve seen a lot of people put “listen more” as a goal for 2021, and it’s something we should all strive for. The ability to really listen (and not just be half-listening while you’re thinking of the best response) is a tough thing to do, and something I continually work on.

I recently saw a quote from Ike Ubansineke (via my friend Justin Smith) that said:

Listen long enough to really hear something.

In a related vein, Ernest Hemingway is quoted as having said:

I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.

I don’t know what your goals are for 2021, but taking more time to listen can only serve to do good things for you.

Calling someone “talented” is kind of an insult

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While I’ve certainly called people “talented” over the years, and meant it as the highest kind of compliment, it might be taken differently than that.

As Seth Godin says in The Practice, “talent is not the same as skill.” He goes on to define each word:

Talent is something we’re both with: it’s in our DNA, magical alignment of gifts.

Skill is earned. It’s learned and practiced and hard-won.

It’s insulting to call a professional talented.

If someone has spent thousands of hours becoming an expert at what they do, calling them “talented” is taking away the effort and attributing it to the luck of how they were born.

Rudy sacks O’Hara in practice

A great example of this is from the film “Rudy”. If you’ve somehow not seen it, it’s the mostly-true story of Dan “Rudy” Ruettiger walking on to the Notre Dame football team and eventually getting to play in one game. When it comes to talent, he had none, but fought hard to make the team.

The running back on the team, Jamie O’Hara, is the opposite. Loads of talent, no earned skills. On the last day of practice, Rudy is pushing hard while O’Hara is coasting, and the coach laments O’Hara’s lack of effort throughout his career:

Rudy is sort of the type of guy you kinda want to hate in that scene, acting rather cocky, but the lesson holds true. Rudy had no talent, but worked to improve his skills, while O’Hara had tons of talent but was a slacker.

The best of both

Ideally, you can find something that you have some natural talent in, and then develop the skills to go with it. As famous NBA player Larry Bird has said:

A winner is someone who recognizes his God-given talents, works his tail off to develop them into skills, and uses these skills to accomplish his goals.

Being Pedantic

All of that said, I’ll likely still call some people “talented” as a compliment, as it’s unlikely to be taken as an insult, but knowing the difference is important.

You can’t change your talent level, but you have your whole life to improve your skills. Go level up.

Why moderate viewpoints get squashed

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I was recently listening to an episode of the Hidden Brain podcast (the episode was “A Conspiracy of Silence“) and it raised an interesting idea.

The bulk of the podcast was on the subject of preference falsification, the idea where people will intentionally falsify their preferences when with other people. These little lies can be socially beneficial, such as supporting a friend when they get a new haircut (“Do you like it?”, “Yes, it’s great!”), but can have some huge downsides.

Immigration

Shankar Vendantam, the host, raised an interesting scenario that I think may of us have seen:

Preference falsification is more likely to help people that have strong views or extreme views rather than moderate.

If you think there should be, for example, zero immigration to the United States, you can call anyone who has even mildly pro-immigrant views a traitor. On the other hand if you think there should be open borders to the United States, you can call anyone who calls for any immigration restrictions a racist.

I feel it’s harder to do this if you have moderate views precisely because moderation suggests a certain amount of flexibility, nuance, or even compromise.

When people hold extreme views, their feeling is that you either agree with their extreme view on one end of the spectrum or you’re against them — there is no middle ground.

Ballot Issues

I’ve seen the same on Facebook. With the current ballot fraud claims being made here in the state of Georgia following the 2020 election, there is no room for middle ground. I’ve tried to raise questions with people on both sides, simply to help determine the truth, and it doesn’t go well. Even when there is concrete evidence that something is true or false, if it goes against that person’s narrative, you’re “against” them.

It seems that some of the fraud claims are possibly true, most are likely not, but taking even a small step toward the middle is dangerous water.

Undecided Voters

The biggest example of this was in the months leading up to the election. Personally, it took me a while to decide who to vote for as president because I agree very much with one man’s policies, but agree with the other man when it comes to behavior and decency. Fortunately I didn’t voice that out loud beyond some close friends, because middle ground had no place in pre-election discussions.

In the minds of most people the choice was incredibly obvious that there was no rational way to be undecided, as you had to vote for their guy — but it people on both sides said the same thing.

Here are some comments I saw on Facebook regarding undecided voters in the weeks before the election (and these came from people supporting both political parties):

  • “They would have to be almost brain dead”
  • “What is wrong with these people?”
  • “I’m of the opinion that if you are an undecided voter at this point, you are either irresponsible or unqualified to vote.”
  • “I find it difficult that ANYONE could be undecided at this point. Only those people who NEVER pay attention and are therefore, uneducated voters, could be undecided.”

I kept my mouth shut, continued to research, and eventually came to a conclusion that I was satisfied with.

Preference falsification leads to extreme views

In the end, like Shankar said in his show, preference falsification is helping to lead to extreme views. As voices in the middle are squashed, you’re left with two sides that are at the extreme ends, both of which think that they are the only truth. The idea of trying to disagree without dehumanizing holds true (calling people “brain dead” is unlikely to be productive), but this goes beyond that into the reasons why those extreme views come up in the first place.

His guest on that episode of the show was Timur Kuran, who wrote a book about preference falsification titled Private Truths, Public Lies. I’ve yet to read it (it’s on my list now), but it seems to be relevant today even more than ever.

Take a minute

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I was recently listening to an episode of the Hidden Brain podcast titled “Screaming into the Void”, which dug into why people get so outraged about everything (and then others get outraged about the initial outrage, and on it goes).

You can listen to it here if you’d like; it’s a great episode!

Covington Catholic

One of the main stories they covered was the mess with Covington Catholic, and the levels of outrage around that. You had the initial outrage against the students until the full video came out, which found that the initial outrage was misplaced… which led to more outrage. If you don’t remember that story, this image may do the trick.

While the story itself involves a lot of nuance, the story about the story is that people were so eager to jump in with their outrage and try to get attention on social media that they didn’t wait long enough to see the truth.

Joe Biden forgot the pledge

I saw a similar story recently where Joe Biden apparently forgot the words to the Pledge of Allegiance. Here is the clip that went around virally:

It looks like he indeed messed up the words until you see it in context. If you watch the full speech (start around the 23:40 mark if you want to jump ahead), you’ll see that the initial outrage was misplaced and his word choice seemed intentional. The early outrage was based on bad info.

Engagement != Change

The podcast does a good job of explaining why outrage is so popular, but also the pitfalls of it. In short, outrage will generally lead to more engagement on social media, but it almost never leads to real change. It can lead to change in some cases, but typically it’s fruitless.

The big problem there is the filter bubble — most of the people that witness your outrage are people that already agree with you. Any dissenting voice is seen as either uneducated or “crazy”, and even further information (like in the examples above) make it difficult for many people to see the other side and change their opinion of the event in question.

In most cases, waiting a little while to collect more information is a wise thing to do. Even things that are “super obvious”, as both of those situations appeared initially, may be wrong.

If time allows, here is that full podcast episode to listen to.

In the meantime take a breath, dig deeper, find the truth, and then (if necessary) direct your outrage in a productive manner.

Be selfishly selfless

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The idea of being selfless is great. Constantly putting others ahead of you seems like an admirable way to live. It is, perhaps, but it won’t work. In order to serve others, you need to take care of yourself first.

If you’ve been on a plane, you know the safety drill, and a big thing they point out is if oxygen masks drop down you need to secure yours before you help others. You might want to rush to help others first, but when you pass out on the floor you’re of no value to anyone else.

In his book “Life’s Amazing Secrets“, Gaur Gopal Das calls this being “selfishly selfless”. As he has said on Twitter:

Take care of others around you, for sure, but don’t forget to take care of yourself too.

Praise and criticism are both vapor

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In listening to a recent meditation track from Headspace as part of a recent clarity break, the focus of the clip was on this:

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Praise and criticism are two sides of the same coin. If we believe in one, we believe in the other. Better not to get attached to either.

A similar thought was written by Jack Canfield, in his excellent book The Success Principles:

What others think about you is none of your business.

That’s easier said than done, for sure. We all care what others think, and I’m no exception. As part of writing daily, though, I’m almost certain to come to a poor conclusion or take the wrong side of an argument.

Seth Godin, who I’ve mentioned on this blog many times, has said repeatedly that he’d continue to blog every day even if no one read it. He’s writing primarily for himself, not for us. That’s what I’m trying to do as well.

Hopefully the the process of thinking through my thoughts via this writing will lead to mostly good conclusions. When I get praise for my thoughts, I’ll enjoy that and move on. When criticized, I’ll try to just learn from that and move on as well.

Hate your customers, hate your business

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We all want to love what we do, but it’s almost impossible to do that if we don’t love who we serve.

As Seth Godin has said, “if you hate your customers, you’re going to hate your business.“

While you may have a bad experience with a restaurant or hair salon, they’re generally working hard to earn your trust and typically don’t make it a habit of hating their customers. That said, there are certainly companies out there that go into it knowing that they won’t be friends with their customers, such as cold callers, but that’s what they signed up for.

Clients can be frustrating at times in any line of work, but we try to remember two things:

  • They’re paying for our expertise.
  • We have the same goals, to move their business forward.

Seth has another great quote that helps show why this matters:

“Instead of wondering when your next vacation is, maybe you should set up a life you don’t need to escape from.”

We all need vacations from time to time, but you shouldn’t end one vacation and immediately be anxious for the next one.

This type of work isn’t feasible for everyone, but if you love the clients you serve you’ll enjoy everyday life that much more.

Aim to serve your past self

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If you run a business, there’s a good chance that your best customers are people that remind you of how you used to be.

As Rory Vaden put it:

You’re most powerfully positioned to serve the person you once were.

It makes sense for a lot of us. We had a problem to overcome, found a great solution for it, and now offer that solution to others.

Because you had that same problem, you can clearly state the problem back to your audience, instantly giving you credibility with them even if you don’t propose the solution yet.

Because you faced that problem yourself and overcame it, your customer trusts that you know how to solve their problem. Embrace it.

Curiosity Drives Advancement

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In his excellent book “Einstein“, Walter Isaacson digs deep into what made the famous physicist so insightful and influential. One big key was undoubtedly his curiosity.

When he was young, Einstein was given a compass by his father and was enthralled by it. From the book:

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He [Einstein] was sick in bed one day, and his father brought him a compass. He later recalled being so excited as he examined its mysterious powers that he trembled and grew cold. The fact that the magnetic needle behaved as if influenced by some hidden force field, rather than through the more familiar mechanical method involving touch or contact, produced a sense of wonder that motivated him throughout his life.

His curiosity was mostly from a physics-focused look at the universe, by asking things like “What would it be like to race alongside a light beam?“. Asking questions like that lead to some pretty deep thought, and ultimately to some of his world-changing theories. He said that questions like this were things that “the ordinary adult never bothers about.“

Writing to a friend, he said:

People like you and me never grow old. We never cease to stand like curious children before the great mystery into which we were born.

And finally, he summarized himself very succinctly:

I have no special talents, I am only passionately curious

Curiosity is easy and can apply to big things universe-changing physics all the way down to your daily tasks. If you see something strange in the world, figure out what makes it work that way.

  • If your favorite politician loses an election, talk to people to understand why they viewed them differently than you.
  • If a particular email campaign that you send out does remarkably well, dig in and figure out why. Was it the subject line? The time of day? The fact that many people were unexpectedly at home due to a snowstorm?

You can even force some curiosity into your world. Listen to podcasts like Stuff You Should Know to learn about how the printing press came about, how wasps are different from bees, or how soap works.

Be curious, ask a lot of questions, and then take the time to dig for the answers.

Disagree Without Dehumanizing

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In his excellent book “Never Split the Difference“, Chris Voss offered this advice regarding negotiations (hostages in his case, but he presented it for business owners):

“He who has learned to disagree without being disagreeable has discovered the most valuable secret of negotiation.”

If you can disagree with someone while still remaining a decent human being, it goes a long way toward helping people see your viewpoint.

In a recent podcast from Jamie Ivey, her and her guests talked about “how to engage in the nuance of political policies, and being careful not to dehumanize those we disagree with“.

You’ve seen it before, mostly on social media:

  • “I can’t believe those people…”
  • “How can anyone be such a moron?”
  • “They are a unique kind of special”
  • “libtard”
  • “teabagger”

You get the idea. People say these kinds of things to “the internet”, but people reading it will take it personally. If one of your Facebook friends was a big Obama supporter and you throw out “libtard”, you hit them right in the face whether you meant to or not. Was that your neighbor? Co-worker? Friend from church? Not good…

Not only is it mean, it’s ineffective. I believe that people can and should change their minds about issues, but you lose all credibility when you start name-calling.

When it comes to my friend circle, I have a handful of friends that I completely disagree with politically but I love to hear what they have to say on big issues because they come from a place of truth and caring. We debate on many issues with both of us wanting to move forward. It’s great.

Be that person to your friends.