I was recently reading David Bradford’s book “Connect“, and I came across an interesting statement:
Feedback can elicit strong emotions, especially when it contains a grain of truth, but there’s no such thing has “constructive” or “negative” feedback – all feedback is just data.
My first thought was that I didn’t agree. While the core of a bit of feedback might indeed just be data, the items or the delivery could very well be negative by nature. If I give someone feedback that “you really need to lose some weight”, that’s clearly just a bit of feedback wrapped around a very negative statement.
So is David wrong in his book? I’m not sure about that either.
Reading what David said caused me to do some more research into it and I came across this excellent article by Tony Schwartz from back in 2011. He opens with this statement, which is more or less exactly what I was thinking:
Here’s a question guaranteed to make your stomach lurch: “Would you mind if I gave you some feedback?”
What that actually means is “Would you mind if I gave you some negative feedback, wrapped in the guise of constructive criticism, whether you want it or not?”
In his mind, the core feedback itself is always useful, but we should look at different ways to deliver it. First, he outlined three behaviors that, if faced, will help us deliver feedback in a better way:
- Is the feedback based on feeling that our own value is at risk?
- Are we holding the other person’s value in the process?
- Are we sure that we’re accurate in what we’re going to say?
With that in mind, Tony suggests a slight reframing of the question. Instead of just asking “Can I give you some feedback?”, you can open it up a bit more by saying:
“Here’s the story I’m telling myself about what just happened. Have I got that right, or am I missing something?”
The conversation that follows should be fruitful for both parties.
So yes, feedback is just data and you should try to accept it as such. If you’re giving feedback to others, though, taking some time to reframe it could be a great thing.
