Now that I’m using Reading Refresh to keep myself up to date on books I’ve read in the past, I thought I’d share some of them as they came back up. Today is Vanessa Van Edwards’ “Captivate“. This book is also available as a free flashcard deck on Ripple Recall.
Vanessa Van Edwards has written a few fantastic books, notably “Cues” (which I shared last year) and the book we’re talking about today, “Captivate”. If you’re only going to read one of her books, I think Cues is much more powerful, but I got quite a lot out of Captivate as well. Let’s unpack it a bit.
She calls the book “The Science of Succeeding with People“, and it focuses on how to be more effective in social and business situations.
She explains the concept for the book via a quote from Stephen Covey, who said:
“Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival—to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, to be appreciated.”
She’s also a big believer in not trying to fake things. While you can learn ideas and techniques for becoming better in social situations, you should always remain true to yourself. She says:
When you try to be the same as everyone else, it’s boring. When you try to fit into a mold, you become forgettable. When you try to be “normal,” you become dull. Just be yourself, because no one is like you. If you’re a little weird, own it. The right people will like you for it.
I also really liked her thoughts on becoming a “highlighter” and pointing out the good you see in others. She shares:
Being a highlighter is about constantly searching for the good in people. When you tell people they are good, they become better. When you search for what’s good, you feel great.
One other thing she mentioned, which I’ve seen in a variety of other books, is how effective the “Franklin Effect” can be. The short version is that you tend to like people more after you to a favor for them, which is somewhat counter-intuitive. Here is a bit more on that from Wikipedia, talking about how Franklin dealt with the animosity of a rival legislator:
Having heard that he had in his library a certain very scarce and curious book, I wrote a note to him, expressing my desire of perusing that book, and requesting he would do me the favour of lending it to me for a few days. He sent it immediately, and I return’d it in about a week with another note, expressing strongly my sense of the favour. When we next met in the House, he spoke to me (which he had never done before), and with great civility; and he ever after manifested a readiness to serve me on all occasions, so that we became great friends, and our friendship continued to his death.
Captivate is a great book, and is certainly worth your time to read. Grab a copy on Amazon, try your hand at some Captivate-focused flashcards on Ripple Recall, or watch this short overview video for a bit more.
I really appreciate your highlight of the Ben Franklin Effect here. It’s definitely counter-intuitive at first, but asking for a small favor or piece of assistance often creates a genuine connection far faster than trying to impress someone. Her point on authenticity resonated with me as well—in technical work especially, people see through forced personas quickly, so owning your specific quirks and staying true to yourself is usually much more effective for building trust.